All I know is that I don't know.
All I know is that I don't know nuthin'.

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
This is a few days late, but, whatever. I've been busy. No, I haven't. I've been lazy. But, it's not like I haven't been having ideas. It's just that, on further reflection, I realize that most of my ideas are dumb and decide to not write them down. So it goes.


Why I am not a comedy writer, Vol. 2.

George Michael: Hey, Elton!
Elton John: Yes, George?
George: I heard someone covering "Your Song" on the radio the other day.
Elton: Which song?
George: "Your Song".
Elton: "Candle In The Wind"?
George: No, "Your Song"!
Elton: "Benny and the Jets"?
George: No, Elton! I heard "Your Song"!
Elton: Which song?

Repeat ad nauseum.


Why I am not a children's comedy writer.

Q: What sort of underwear does Thor, the Norse god of Thunder, wear?
A: Thunderpants!


(BTW: This is why I was late with the entry.)

I claim no ethnicity. I consider my ethnic group to be "white guy from late 20th Century America". This is to distinguish myself from previous generations of Caucasoids. I think that time period and geographic location play as much a role in ethnicity as genetics, if not more. So, while, genetically, I am 1/2 German and 1/2 mutt, neither of these particular genetic markers have a damned thing to do with who I am. I may be more likely to have certain diseases or whatever, but I don't feel like goose-stepping whene'er I hear Wagner.

Part of my mutt half is Irish. I've never been to Ireland. I'm sure that it's lovely. The fact that some of my DNA came from Ireland (although, to be honest, it probably came from England before that, and from France before that) does not make me Irish. I'm a white guy from America.

So, the deconstructionist side of me woke the fuck up the other day when I saw an ad for a St. Patrick's Day Celebration that said something along the lines of, "Everyone wants to be Irish one day a year!"


Now, as far as I can tell, Irish are... ummm... people. And, like Depeche Mode said, people are people. No, people don't want to be Irish, they want to be the archetypal Irishman. They want to be the stereotypical Irishman. Drunk, loudmouthed, fightin', lazy, dirty, potato-eating Irishmen.

So, in the interest in using other holidays to perpetuate stereotypes about various ethnic groups, I propose thusly:

On Yom Kippur, everyone walks around wearing yarmukles. When discussing the state of the world, one party must quote the Torah, and the other party must say "Oy, vey!" You must swindle at least one person out of money per day. Also, you must behave like a lech around Gentile women. If you can find a friend, you could walk around carrying copper wire between you and, when asked why, you could reply that you and your friend were fighting over a penny.

On Chinese New Year, since all Asians look the same, we can all pretend to be generic slant-eyes. We will mis-pronounce "R" and "L". We will eat naught but fried rice flied lice. All instruments will be de-tuned and we will all say "Ching chong chang ching chong!" all day long! All disputes will be solved via kung-fu. Men will sit on the sidewalk all hunched over and smoke cigarettes. Women will offer to "ruv you rong time". We will all apply to be grad students at MIT. "Mr." will be replaced with "Honorable", and all the men will have small penises. We will all kowtow.

On Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, naturally, everyone will want to be black. So, expect to eat nothing but watermelon and fried chicken and chitlins and hamhocks. The men will be drunk by 10:30 AM, and will always have malt liquor close at hand. Smokers? You'll be switching to menthols that day. We'll pay our bills late. Unless it's child support and you're a babydaddy. Then, you won't pay it at all. Some of us, however, will join the Nation of Islam and become militant activists. Cuz, there's two stereotypes that we need to embrace for this one. Who knew dem darkies were so complicated?

Of course, if there are any ethnic groups that I have not honored, let me know. Because, it's all about celebrating the cultures of the people.


The Complete Tales of Winnie-The-Pooh, pp. 70-87

Comments by: YACCS