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Saturday, August 07, 2004

A Sitcom Pilot

Ok, so it's not much a pilot, per se, as there's no way in hell I'm gonna write something that lasts 22 minutes. I'd have myself written into a corner LONG before then.

Anyhoo, before I get into this, I'ma post a joke that I both made up AND stole.

What did Rick James say to St. Peter when he got to heaven?
I'm Rick James, bitch!

K -- let's get this party started right. Let's get this party started quickly, rignt?

Now, I could put this in the proper TV script format, but I don't feel like building all those tables. Let it be known that this is a standard 3-camera setup. Three-quarter sets, possibly filmed before a live studio audience, possibly with canned laughter. Quality-wise, I'ma shoot for "Full House" instead of "Arrested Development". Unless it actually turns out that it's good, in which case I'll be re-writing it. I have a feeling that that won't be a problem.

With that out of the way, comedy will begin. (ed: no, it won't.)

Title: Heart-Attack Dad

Dad, as Himself
Mom, as Herself
Barrett Oliver, as Grant
Virgina, as Herself

Cue theme song:
"Heart-Attack Dad, Heart-Attack Dad,
You had a ticker that went bad.
Even with three stents, you're still a cad!
You so crazy, Heart-Attack Dad!"

Scene One. Setting: The Bennett Family Kitchen. The Bennett Kidz enter from seperate doors, V. from stage left, G. from stage center.


G: (He'll probably start off with his catchphrase. Right now it's between "Where them pancakes at?" and "Girls are repelled by me." We'll work this out with a test audience.)
V: Oh, brother.
G: Are my wacky t-shirts done being in the dryer? (Note: G. will have a different wacky t-shirt in each episode. See if we can get a sponsorship from some internet company. Or some hip indie brand.)
V: Yup.
G: It's about frigging time! (Takes off his plain white t-shirt.)
*Woo-hoos and whistles from the ladies in the audience*
V: Just one second there. You're not going anywhere.
G: You're not the boss of me!
V: Yeah, but Dad's in the hospital.
G&V: To the Hostipal! (Note: not a typo.)
*cue Batman brass flares and theme as the kids drive to the hospital*
(G&V enter the hosptial, where they're greeted by Mom)
*applause as M. enters*
M: Kids, Dad had a heart attack.
Dad: (offstage) Morphine. Morphine! MORE PHINE!!!!!
G,V&M: That's our dad! (laughs, then freezeframe)

Scene Two. Setting: Home again. Living room this time. Family enters en-masse.

D: Boy, it's good to be out of that hospital. It was so bland and boring.
V: And that was just the food!
*laughs. big ol' belly laughs*
M: I'm going to the store to pick up low sodium and low cholesterol food. You kids keep an eye on your father. (exits)
D: Man, I'm going to have to eat chicken breasts for months!
G: Mmmmm... breasts!
V: And you wonder why you're single. You should go find some tasty recipies on the internet. Hop to it, nerd boy!
G: Alright. (Goes to the computer) Let's see... search for breast recepies... Woo-hoo! I found plenty of breasts!
V: (rolls eyes)
D: Let me see!
V: Dad! No!
D: But, it's medicinal porn! The doctors were trying to raise my blood pressure, weren't they?
G: Yeah! 50 cc's of Hustler, STAT!
V: No, no, no! Dad, you are going to sit down, and Grant, you are going to look for recipies.
D&G: Awwww... (Dad sits, Grant looks on the internet)
(cue beep sound that NEVER, EVER happens when a Google search is done)
G: Hey! This one looks good!
V: You're right! We'll make this! It should be tasty, and help Dad adjust his diet. Tomatoes, peppers, onions, rice -- Dad likes everything here!
(Mom comes back)
M: I'm back, with a pound and a half of breast meat!
D, G & V: Here we go again!
*laughs and applause*

Scene Three. Living room again. But, it's dark. The sun is clearly rising. Dad enters the living room. From the front door!

D: Heh, heh, heh. I know better than those lousy doctors. Even though I had a heart attack, I'm just fine. Those doctors are all overpaid, anyway. What do they know. I went for a walk around the block by myself, and nothing bad happened. I think I'll lay down in the chair now and take a nap. (Lays down, naps)

(Grant enters from his bedroom. Gets the newspaper and reads. D wakes up.)

G: Mornin', Dad. How you feeling?
D: Fine. Went for a walk.
G: Oh, really? Hmmmm...
D: I'm kinda hungry. I'm going to get some breakfast. (D leaves. G. continues reading the paper.)
G: God dammit, Cathy. Will you die already? Family Circus? You suck. Garfield? Stop. Just stop. Peanuts? I heart you so much. (D comes back.)
G: What'd you have?
D: Ummmm... oatmeal?
G: OK. (G. goes into the kitchen to get some milk. Looks at the stove.)
G: Hmmm... I don't see a dirty pot on the stove. I do see a frying pan. You don't need a frying pan for oatmeal. You don't need oil for oatmeal. You for DAMN sure don't need that much oil for anything, unless you're pan-frying chicken. OH! Dad lied! He had fried eggs for breakfast! Only Dad uses that much oil to fry eggs! (Virgina enters)
G: Do you know what your father just did?
V: Bought something from the Dollar Store?
V: WHAT? The day after being released from the hospital after a heart attack, he fries eggs for breakfast? That stubborn old goat! DAD! GET IN HERE! (D enters)
D: Yes?
V: What do you think you're doing? You can't fry eggs for breakfast. I will take all the eggs in this house and hide them. And, if you do this again, I will call Aunt Carol and haver lecture you.
D: You wouldn't...
V: Oh, yes I would.
G: And, if you keep it up, I'll start calling you Junior.
D: What?
G: That's right! I'll call you by your father's name. Your dad had a triple-bypass, and refused to change his ways. Where's he now? Graveyard dead.
D: That's because of Linda!
G: That was only part of it. We're not going to let you mess around here. We're gonna make you stick to this new diet. And, everyone you know is going to help us.
V: That's right. We're telling everyone.
D: But, but, but...
V: No buts about it!
G: Mmmmm... Butts....
*laughs and oooohs*
D: Ok... (hangs head and exits to living room. Camera follows)
D: Well, the doctor said I need light exercise. Time to walk off these eggs! (Exits front door)
G&V: (looking from kitchen door) That's our dad!
*laughs and applause*

Easily as good as "Full House". And I didn't even make much stuff up.

Comments by: YACCS