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So, here's my latest adventure. It's not for the faint of heart, and it's kinda icky, but, I feel compelled to share. That, and I'm on Tylenol 3. Mit Codine!

My tale starts off... oh, about 3 nights ago. I was sleeping, since it was that time of day. All of a sudden, at 1:30, I woke up in nearly blinding pain. "What the hell?" I said. "Oh, sweet Jebus! What the hell?! Oh, Lordy!" After thrashing about and cursing and whatnot, eventually I decided that I needed to figure out just what was going on.

See, the pain was in my butt. Not like IN in, but, you know. Really damned near, and it was intense. Now, I've had hemmorrhoids, so I figured that it was just the mother of all flare-ups. I soaked my behind in the tub, used some Tuck's pads, and it seemed to be all better.

Until 3:30.

More blinding pain, more bemoaning my fate, more thrashing about, more Tuck's pads, and then I got scared.

So, I hit WebMD to find out exactly what the hell this could be. I figured that, perhaps, it's a prolapsed hemmorrhoid, and not hideous creeping ass cancer. So, feeling re-assured, I went back to sleep, and, yes, woke up in pain again. But, this time, I had to go to work.

Now, let me clue you into how this worked. My butt was sore. It hurt. I had to get into my truck like an old man. Taking my time, all that fun stuff that old men do. To get out of the truck, I had to pretty much roll out. Even then, there was plenty of pain. I spent my morning standing up. Fortunately, my production was basically dubbing, so standing wasn't a problem. (For those of you familiar with the way studios work, there are 2 basic configurations -- standing and sitting. Both of our studios are sitting. If you need to speak, you sit.) At lunch time, I hit WalMart, and picked up items that girl's think aren't so sexy. Preparation H Cooling Gel. Fibercon tablets (seemed like a good idea). And vitamins. And Epsom Salt.

It seemed to help at first. There was less pain in the afternoon. The tissues were all stretched out and whatnot. It still hurt, but it wasn't like a blinding pain. And I could kind of move without wincing.

Got home, got nekkid, threw Epsom salt in the tub and soaked. Got out, Preparation H on the butt, things were OK. Yeah, it hurt, but, it wasn't intolerable.

Until I went to bed, and, lo and behold, again with the pain. Again, it was twice. I nearly decided to sign on, since it was clear that sleeping wasn't going to happen, but, eventually, it did.

To work again. Standing up, again. More sitting, too. That sucked. I had to lift myself out of the chair with my arms and wince. Now, the pain today felt different. Rather than a very sharp pain, it felt more like a muscle cramp or something. "OK, now we're getting somewhere," I think. After work, back to the store, to purchase Ben-Gay. It seemed to help.

But, then I felt a bump. "OK. I'm getting a boil. In my butt. Wonderful. But, at least, they go away afterwhile." So, I called dad, because when you have a gigantic boil in your ass, that's the natural response. So, we swapped stories about various painful things, and he said he'd call on Thursday. Which he did.

Of course, Wednesday night was filled with pain again. And the boil got HUGE. Like, 1 1/2 inches long. Clearly not something that is going to go away anytime soon, and, man, when that mutha pops...

So, he called again, and I told him my plan. "I'm going to the ER to get this thing lanced. It's insane, it hurts, I can't sleep with it, and I have insurance," was my attitude.

Went to the ER, and asked if they'd let me in. This got an odd look from the receptionist, and provided one of the highlights of my day:

"Is there something wrong with you?"

"Yup."

"Is it a medical problem?"

"Yup."

*look of relief on the receptionists face*

"Ok, well, let's just get your information..."

*time passes*

"And, what's the nature of your problem?"

"I have a tremendous boil that I need lanced."

So, I got to go back to the examination room, and got to tell the kinda cute nurse that I had a tremendous boil. In my asscrack. Bloodpressure was a little high, but, other than that, the doctor will be in shortly. Now, did I want to put on the gown, or just take off my pants and use a blanket to cover myself? I chose the blanket.

Doctor came in, got my history, then had to look. Back there.

Now, I don't know what I was hoping for. I mean, yeah, I was sore, and half naked, but, I dunno. I didn't get a "Magnificent..." or a "Oh... my... god... Nurse, clear the OR! You should probably make some phone calls, son. You're going to be here awhile."

I got a "Yup. That's infected. It's really, really red. It's red from here to here, and there's swelling, and, well, it looks like it's drained a little bit."

But, I didn't get it drained. Nope. I got a culture taken, which hurt like a bee eye itch, and then he said, "OK, we're gonna give you a shot of some antibiotics with lidocane. That should help the pain. And, I'm gonna give you some pain killers, and write you up a 'scrip'."

So, now, I get to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and get a scrip for Tylenol 3 and some antibiotics.

Thankfully, it's not Ethromycin. That's the stuff that started my ass problems in the first place. It worked TOO well, and I pooped WAY too much, and, well, that's when I learned about the wonderful world of hemmorrhoids.

I have a webcam, but I'm not going to give you pictures.
posted by Grant Bennett at 9:21 PM