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Monday, June 10, 2002
Dear Crazy People,
I know that your life is full of pain. Or, you can't stop washing your hands. Or alphebetizing your asshairs. Or, whatever your problem(s) is(are), believe me, I understand that they suck. But, would it hurt you to use some common courtesy? I mean, honestly. If you want to go to a monastery in northwest Missouri, kill 2 monks, wound 2 monks, and then kill yourself using an AK-47 and a modified .22 rifle, could you at least check to make sure that your plan for cleansing the earth, or following the orders of God or space aliens, or claiming your revenge against the Catholic church or whatever, won't interfere with the community's plans? Really. Because of you, I've had to scrap the Nodaway Community Theatre Company's plans on presenting "Nunsense", just because the backstory is about 52 nuns dying. Yes, they died from botulism, and not chunks of metal fired at supersonic speed, tearing open the flesh of people, but, when the production was to happen only 6 weeks after you decided to live out your lifelong dream of giving monks stigmata after 71 long years, it's just a little bit tasteless to put that play on, don't you think? Oh, wait, here's another thought, crazy people -- why not trying my strategy of "not killing monks or anyone else"? How's that for a novel idea, fuckwit? Now, I'll admit that I'm young. I've only been alive for 25 years. I've been cognizant for probably about 23 years. Still,. my policy has served me well. Don't think that there aren't people I've encountered who deserved to recieve some supersonic hot metal love from me, but, I've always thought, "Ya know, I could be wrong in this whole thing. I mean, I might like to have the power to decide who lives and who dies, but, with great power comes great responsibility. I'll never forget the day that my uncle told me that. See, I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and was gaining all kinds of wacky powers, but, my uncle understood more than I thought he did. If only I'd listened before he was killed by a punk." Not killing people that piss us off is what seperates us from animals. That, and the ability to light farts on fire, since we don't fear the orange hot bush. If I went around killing people that piss me off, I'd have killed like 50 people just over the last weekend at Big Fish 22, aka Ugly, Ugly People at The Lake. Hell, I would have killed some of these people based on looks alone. Eyes too close together. Eyebrows too Neaderthalic. Female wearing mannish glasses. Women with moustaches. Women with mullets. Men with mullets. Pregnant women smoking, which would give their fetuses mullets. Coveralls that didn't quite cover all. You see what I'm getting at. Know what? I didn't kill a single person this weekend. Not a one. I didn't even kill any insects or arachnids on purpose. Not killing stuff is pretty damn cool, if you ask me. Look at all the cool people in the world. The Beastie Boys haven't ever killed anyone. Nor has Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth. Dwight Yoakam didn't ever really kill anyone. William H. Macy has never killed a man. Hell, even Johnny Cash hasn't killed anyone. Magnus Ver Magnussen, the toughest person EVER, hasn't even killed anyone. And look at how cool they are. Maybe a squirrel told you that killing monks would really impress the old ladies with Parkinson's that give hand-jobs at the nursing home, but, I'm guessing that they weren't impressed at all. However, I would like to thank you, Lloyd Jeffers of Kearney, Missouri, for having the decency to kill yourself before your arrest, thereby saving the State of Missouri lots of money, and prospective jurors lots of time. However, I know it was dramatic an all, but, really, did you need to shoot yourself in the head in the basillica? They just got done remodelling it like a year and a half ago. Sincerely, Grant Bennett, a guy who firmly believes in not killing monks or other people that piss him off. So, Nunsense is off. It's funny as hell, but given that the backstory involves 52 nuns dying from botulism, well, you can see the quandry we were placed in. Especially since one of the monks, Father Philip Schuster, baptised the daughter of the actress who was going to play Sister Mary Hubert, Mistress of Novices. I will be directing a play, but not Nunsense. Fucking crazy people. They suck. Comments by: YACCS |