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So, there are more damn gameshows now. But they all suck. If I want game shows, I'll watch some real ones, like Match Game with Charles Nelson Reily or Family Feud. I want my gameshows to be Mark Goodson Televion Productions, or to be filmed in Culver City, CA. There should be attractive ladies, witty hosts, glitz and glamor. Or a gong and Jamie Farr. Perhaps a wacky costume. But, the current glut is just sucky.

Stuff like The Chamber and The Chair just isn't ballsy enough for me. I'm waiting for us to get done with importing gameshows from Europe, and to start bringing them in from Japan. Iron Chef kicks ass. But, I'm waiting for a show that, rather than rewarding knowledge, punishes ignorance. Get an answer wrong? Lose a toe. If you're willing to be debased on TV, why not go whole-hog, Chester? I'd be willing to watch crap like Survivor if the contestants were actually in mortal peril.

I've never seen Survivor. And, of that fact, I am proud. The whole concept is mean. Be popular, or lose. Be evil, or lose. Maybe if they set Survivor in sub-Saharan Africa I'd watch. That'd be pretty damn cool. Set it in the middle of an Ebola outbreak, or travel back in time and set it under the reign of Idi Amin. The punishment for loss? You're eaten by the other contestants.

---

Why, yes, I am in a bit of a foul mood. Why do you ask? Oh, that's right. It was apparent from the bit up above.

When I get down, I want people to die horrible deaths.

And what, pray tell, has brought about this foul mood? My car.

First of all, I hate driving. Hate it, hate it, hate it. For some people, driving is a form of relaxation. You've got a hiway and a full tank of gas. Buddy, time for you to live your Kerouac fantasy -- hit that road, see where it takes you, have some gay sex with Neal Cassidy and wind up in Mexico with Montezuma's Revenge. For me, however, it's an exercise in self-control. I understand road rage completely, and, to a degree, sympathize with those who act on their base urges. So many people deserve to die horrible deaths by my hand when I am on the road. People with WWJD? bumper stickers who speed. Jesus would obey the speed limit, dipshit asswipe. Old people. Young people. People with cel phones. People who don't have their kids in car seats. People with pissing Calvin stickers. People who drive too slow. People who don't use their turn signals. Cops who don't pull people over for speeding. I hate everyone on the road except for me. In all reality, I probably shouldn't be driving if I hate it that much. But, I have to.

So, how has my car pissed me off now? It's broken. And it's not worth fixing. I drive a 1985 Crown Victoria. It has some problems. This morning it just sealed its fate. I went out to get into my car to drive to work. Now, I live in Maryville, MO. We got some snow. The snow melted a bit, and froze my car shut. Not a big deal, really. But, I couldn't get into my car this morning. Tried unlocking the driver side. Nope. Tried unlocking the passenger side. Success! But, it wouldn't open. Tried opening the driver side again. No luck. Back and forth. Kicking the doors, trying to clear out the ice or whatever. Then, the door key broke off in the lock on the driver side. Back into my apartment. Call work. Say that I'm gonna be late cuz I can't get into my car. Call locksmith. Get ride to work. Call locksmith before leaving for lunch. Locksmith just got there. Eat lunch. Walk back to work. Begin airshift. Call locksmith. Key is out, new key is reground, but the dude wasn't able to get into the car. Something is busted. Tell them to get into the car, cuz it's useless having it unlocked but unenterable. Car is open, but only thru the back doors.

So, now I have a car that I can't lock for fear of not being able to open it again. My speedometer and odometer are also broken. It has no air conditioning. It probably needs a new transmission. It needs a new sound system. Not just a new radio -- new speakers, new wires, everything. The car needs to be put out to pasture. And I'm poor.

Fortunately, I might be able to get my hands on a 1989 Hyundai Sonata. Might. Otherwise, I might just set up a PayPal account and see if I can scrape together enough cash to get me a $1000 or less automobile.
posted by Grant Bennett at 12:48 AM