All I know is that I don't know.
All I know is that I don't know nuthin'.

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Monday, October 08, 2001
One of the stranger things about my particular social anxiety is that not only am I afraid of crowds and such, but, during lows, I don't even have the desire to interact with others.

Every now and then, I go on 'communication strikes' -- I won't accept any communication except face-to-face. I won't answer the phone, I won't check email, I won't check snail mail, I won't even really leave my apartment. I just remove myself from the world. In some ways it's nice. In others, it's even more depressing. Not only do I not know people, I don't even want to know them.

It's never been easy for me to meet people. Even when I've been involved in groups, I never really knew any of the other members of the group. And now, that I'm an 'adult', and living on my own in a different town, it's even harder. I've been here for 2 years. Apart from co-workers, I know 2 people in this town. I knew more, but then they graduated and moved away. The two people I know are married (to each other) and are busy being boring. I don't begrudge them for that. It's understandable. But, it leaves me with a problem:

Meeting people without the aid of others.

Everyone I know I met through someone else. Perhaps this is normal -- I don't know. But, it leaves me with this situation: going out by myself and trying to meet people. Now, the usual places to meet others, especially the opposite sex, are places like dance clubs. I hate dance clubs. I won't mince words. I hate dance clubs, and I hate dancing. I hate the idea that people do this just for fun. It's too intensive an activity to be done without ulterior motives. It's debasing, it's degrading, and the music just sucks. I do not like popular music. I do not like top40. I don't like the idea that people are going there just to get fucked. If you want to get fucked, legalize prostitution. Don't tell me that you're getting dressed up like that just to 'have fun'. I don't buy that for an instant. I hate the idea of that many people interacting together. It's different than a concert -- everyone is there to see the concert, not interact with their neighbor. Clubs are different. You are expected to interact. And that scares the shit out of me. I went to ONE dance in junior high and ONE dance in college. I went to the dance in junior high because I was in a band, and we played. Poorly. In high school, I went to Snowball thrice, prom twice, and homecoming once. Snowball, because I had arranged dates. Prom, because my friends went. Homecoming because I was royalty. In college, the one dance I went to, I was at the dance itself for about a minute. Then I went outside and smoked until it was over. I could not deal with that many people at once, nor could I deal with the idea that I was going to go home alone.

Went to several parties in college. Most of the time was spent smoking either in the bathroom, or on the balcony. Or, I would hang out in the DJ room. Went home alone.

So, what other options? Regular bar. But, since my two friends are usually busy, this would mean I go to the bar alone. Which makes me look like either a) an alcoholic, or b) a loser. Neither of these things will make me friends of either gender. People go to bars in groups. They talk in groups. They don't strike up conversations with the guy in the hooded sweatshirt sitting at the bar.

Perhaps I put out bad vibes. I don't know. I'm not a hostile person. I'm not even an assertive person. I'm just a guy.

I refuse to put up a front. WYSIWYG. And it sickens me to see people who do put up a front just to get some action. And it sickens me to see people fall for the fronts. It's like the fall of Rome.

I don't want to be popular. I want to be known.

Comments by: YACCS