All I know is that I don't know.
All I know is that I don't know nuthin'.

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Saturday, October 13, 2001
It's not that cynics don't care -- it's that they care too much. Or, to borrow from REM, "A withdrawl in disgust is not the same as apathy."

Heard a new term today -- sportfucking. Synonym of casual sex. What a vile term that is. Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for deconstruction. I enjoy pointing out to people that honey is bee vomit and that Roman Polanski had sex with a minor and can't come back to America, but sportfucking? Damn, that's cold. And something I don't believe in.

Hedonism. Damn, do I hate hedonism. Whenever I see Spring Break footage, or footage from Mardi Gras, it makes me feel cold, anxious, and wanting to firebomb all those places wherein college kids get drunk and fuck. Drunken frat boys and drunken sluts. I want to destroy each and every one of them. People who cruise bars and nightclubs just looking to have sex -- feel my wrath!

Lookitme climbing up the hill to shout my moral edicts to the masses:
"Thou shalt not sportfuck!"
"Thou shalt not show your tits for damn plastic beads!"
"Thou shalt not do it for the nookie!"
"Thou shalt not get chicks drunk just so you can bang them in the pooper!"
"Thou shalt not use a holiday or vacation as an excuse to throw decency out the window!"
"And being drunk is NOT an excuse!"

I think that one of the main reasons I am repelled by hedonism is the sense that it degrades humanity; debases the individual; reduces us to no more than pleasure-seeking simpletons. One of the other reasons is that I can't just 'let my hair down' and have fun.

I know of at least one occasion when I declined a one night stand with a very attractive female. She was a-flirting, I turned a blind eye to it, and eventually just turned my walkman on and tried to make myself deaf. That's right -- I turned down sex. I'm pretty sure I don't regret my actions. I probably could have handled it better. I was in a situation and didn't know how to handle it, so I tried to shut the world out. That's passivity for you. Rather deal with a situation, I pretended that the situation didn't exist, because that's what I do. And I tried to make emotional stress into physical pain. That's another thing I do.

I've stated earlier that 'pleasure' is not a driving force in my life. That doesn't mean that pain is. I don't seek happiness, but I don't persue sadness. Know what's easier to do than it seems? Ignoring basic human urges. Know what probably isn't healthy? Ignoring basic human urges.

My will to survive is stronger than my will to live.

(Abrupt sidetrack: Listening to 'Monkey Gone to Heaven' by The Pixies. Using numerology, is Satan better than us?)

It's tough for me to see my 'good' qualities. I'm not sure where self-esteem ends and pride and vanity begin, so I'd just rather not go down that road. I can list my bad qualities with no problems. Good qualities? I was never good at grading myself. We did that once in show choir in high school. The teacher made me raise my grade, since I had flunked myself. I think that your good qualities should be listed by other people.

Other lines I have difficulty seeing:
-- 'spirit' and nationalism
-- attraction and lust
-- my ass and your face.
That last one was a joke. :)

Yet another post that won't get the attention of the ladies. ;)

Comments by: YACCS