All I know is that I don't know.
All I know is that I don't know nuthin'.

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Tuesday, September 25, 2001
Dawned on me today that I don't know how to act during a 'war'.

Yes, I remember Desert Storm, but that never struck me as much of a war. "We were kicking So-damn Insane out of Kuwait!" Like hell. That was about oil. While Hussein might be a bad person and a dictator, since when has invading a country and taking it over been wrong? That's how civilization happens. I don't buy Hussein=Shaitan. (been reading again. 'Satanic Verses' by Rushdie.) The situation we're in now, however...

Driving home from work today, I saw a scrolling marquee on a bank. Said 'Bye Bye Bin Laden'. There's a fine line between patriotism and nationalism. I don't like nationalism. At all. It scares me. Scares me like pep rallies scare me. That much emotion wrapped around something that doesn't really matter all that much. When I think Nationalism, I think of Hitler.

As far as patriotism goes, well, I'm an American. America's alright, for the most part. Yeah, we've made some colossal fuckups, and we haven't always been the nicest neighbor, but, this is what I know. I may not always agree with the government, but, to paraphrase The Tick: "All my stuff's here!" My friends and family are here. A country is not worth dying for. Friends, family and ideals are worth dying for. I won't die for a flag. I won't die for "The American Way." Growing up post-everything (Kennedy, 'Nam, Nixon and Reagan), it seems like the American way is a load of crap built on subversion, lies, assassinations, and getting away with crimes. And, I hate that damn Lee Greenwood song. Populist, nationalist crap. Never have liked it. However, ideals are another thing. I'm not an anarchist, but I dig the philosophy: let's all be cool with each other. That's the American way. We're a nation of immigrants. We made it work, despite our differences. Yeah, Big Whitey is still in power, but I refuse to let The Man dictate the way I live my life. I'll render unto Caesar, and then he best be backing off.

I'd also like to say that I don't support the death penalty under any circumstance. I don't like the government having the power of deciding who lives and who dies. Plus, since when is the inevitable a punishment? "I sentence you to... grow old!" We're all going to die. I honestly support torture as a form of punishment. Not like the Inquisitors meted it out, all willy-nilly. This will be after trials and appeals, etc. Specifically, I like isolation torture. Life in a room without windows or tv or books. Water, a toilet, a bed, and 3 meals a day. Until you die. No contact with the outside world at all. Ever. Is it cruel? Yup. Unusual? Yup. But, is it needlessly cruel and exceedingly unusual? Hmmmmm...

I support torture, because it's something I'm willing to take. And have taken. One of the fun parts about my depression is my 'desire' to punish myself. Usually by fasting. "Well, you are a dork. You suck. You have no friends in this town, so it must be because of something you did wrong. No food for you." During a really bad time (before I started taking Paxil), it would become physical. Punching myself. Thighs and forehead. Not all that cool, let me tell you. But, if a wuss like me can take it, it must not be all that bad to get whupped.

While I'm in this spiral, might as well keep going.

Occured to me some time ago that happiness is not the driving force in my life. It's not my super-objective. My will to survive is stronger than my will to live. Might be the German Lutheran in me, but true happiness is not something I strive to achieve. I like entertainment, I like having fun. But I don't seek out lasting happiness. I don't know how to. Here I sit, broken-hearted. Came to shit and only farted. Self-esteem? Feh.

My moral code is seriously befouled. I'm a cynical optomistic secular religious liberal puritan romantic pragmatic utilitarian idealist. I don't like clubs, because if you're dancing, you just want to fuck. I don't like people, but when I'm alone I get the bad thoughts. I hate pain, but do nothing to seek pleasure. Girls kick ass, but I'm afraid to talk to them. I'm sociable, but only if you start it. I'm open-minded, but hyper-critical. I don't trust my friends, and here's this blog. I want to believe in absolute ethics, but I see shades of grey. I don't believe in killing, but some people don't need to live. I'm not a big see Catholic, but I believe in penance. I drink and smoke and am addicted to caffiene, but I don't like drug use.

"All I need is love and rocknroll," he said, taking another drag from his cigarette.

I just went from listening to Motorhead to Shonen Knife covering The Carpenters.

My generation doesn't have any best minds.

The healing doesn't stop the feeling. -- They Might Be Giants

Playing now: 'The Destroyer' by Alec Empire

I know very few adults. I don't consider myself to be one. Adults are boring.

I hate dancing, but I like the music.

OJ got away with murder. Orenthal James was a mighty bad man.

I'm 24. I still watch cartoons. I love cartoons. Bob Clampett. Chuck Jones. Bob McKimson. John K. Termite Terrace.

One of my favorites is the Daffy Duck where he's just going around painting mustaches on posters. Brilliant. Another good one is The Dover Boys of Pimento University. Tom, Dick and Larry. Fucking stupid, makes no damn sense, and that's what makes it wonderful.

I like warm fuzzy pop music. The Carpenters, ABBA, Matthew Sweet.

I like angry leftist punk, too.

I'm out of words for right now.

Comments by: YACCS